Maybe it’s what it is now: that I grew up in a single-parent household, that I didn’t have a father growing up, or that I was born a homosexual. Maybe it’s what it is now: that I hide my pain behind the veil of Asian American economic mobility or the social capital of the Korean American Diaspora. Maybe has turned into certainty, then to doubt, then to anxiety, then back to certainty. The Maybe is the Mysterious, as Dave Johnson of,” Dancing in the Arms of the Mystery,” states in the anthology of Amazing Grace: Stories of Lesbian and Gay Faith. The Maybe is an uncertainty. Defined, Maybe is the term for viability, ability, possibility. The possibility that I can exist.
Senator Shin understood the possibility of Maybe. That maybe, he too could be loved by his Christian brothers and sisters that he too, could walk the walk on that road tainted with doubt. I understand the vision of Maybe, that I too, can walk that walk in my own light under the Guiding light.
My head spins with the Visions of Maybe. Social activism, social uplift and mobility, what does all this shit mean when nothing changes? I have problems that I need to address to Guiding light. I have shit to address with Him or Her.
Can I please release my pain and angst and not be shut off in the mindless stupor of impossibility? Can I for once, shout at the Man who made me this way? Why there is no connection to the clergy I so opened myself up to. Why after seven years of living in the Light, I have to be shut out like a boy who ceases to exist? I have love to give, more love than I could even begin to imagine. Still, the trajectory of my life points to a direction away from Faith, at least for the time being. Yet, when all is said and done, I come to an unknowing peace that somewhere deeply embedded, is the Guiding light that has brought me this far.
